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Talk:Declaration
Boom. Right. Here we go. This is an insanely long story so I will only brush on the points I liked and the things you might want to consider working on. However, given the length of this fanfic, it may be hard to fix this, but you can try. The things to work on: Emdashes: Way too many. The emdash is an extremely powerful piece of punctuation. It can replace the comma, the paratheses, and the colon. When it replaces the comma, it gives some emphasis to the following phrase. For the other two, it's not too big of a difference. Using a few emdashes here and there in a narrator's point of view gives a sense of "credibility". Here, take this as an example: "In their consequences, these events have terrified -- have tortured -- have destroyed me." - Poe Here, we see that the narrator voice is doubling back and correcting himself to make the description clearer. Here is an example of yours: "After defeating his master, the sick Makuta known as Erevayx took control of Destral—alienating his brethren and laying waste to the fortress of Makuta." You're not really clarifying anything, nor does the "alienating..." require extra emphasis. "After defeating his master, the sick Makuta known as Erevayx took control of Destral, alienating his brethren and laying waste to the fortress of Makuta." This serves the exact same purpose, and is easier on the reader. Such a high number of emdashes give a feeling of disjointedness. Semicolon: 'Another versatile punctuation mark, but again overused. In chat, I said the Semicolon is used to join two very similar ''sentences. If you took away the semicolon, the two parts you joined must be sentences. "The shattered coast of Destral churned the sharp stones against the grains of sand in a gut-wrenching manner; as the sound of knives being sharpened would make." "...as the sound of knives being sharpened would make." That's a phrase, not a sentence. I've noticed that roughly one-fourth of your semicolons are used incorrectly, while the others are perfectly fine, such as: "It was a rather peculiar situation; it was hardly worth considering a threat when what was supposed to be the enemy cut itself off from the world." If you split that into half, you have two sentences. That works. '''Syntax: A few minor spelling mistakes. I saw Kanohi is Kanoui, or something similar. Breaths as breathes. I don't focus too much on spelling, any good word processor can help you out. ---- The things to keep doing: 'Plot & universe in general: '''It's riveting. It really is. It... gives me a Warhammer 40k feel, blended with Bionicle and the Ranger's Apprentice series. Warhammer 40k, due to the constant state of war and high tech you've used, Bionicle, of course, and Ranger's Apprentice since you were very specific with what weapons and equipment your Lykos used. I love military history, and this gave me a slight feel of that as well. Though I did explain I've seen this plot before in Dysfunctional Systems (Keep in mind, I watch loads of anime, I know the basics of *many* plots. It'll be quite hard to surprise me. :P), your way of telling it is very different. You're telling it from the reverse point of view, the Lykos Kinsmen's. Very interesting. The Lykos culture was well thought-out and actually quite convincing. Your universe is rather different from all the others I've seen on here, but it works. It does. '''Description: '''Yeah, you've done some work on here. You've managed to paint a colour picture in not too many words. You haven't overdone it. And yet, I can visualize what your world looks like. But it isn't what ''you're visualizing, but, hey, that's up to the reader's discretion. :P The only thing I wish was for a bit more background on the Agency of the Olmak. This agency seems awesome, everything I'd expect a high-end organization dealing with other universes. You've got what it does and what the mood inside the agency down, but a teensy bit of history would be nice. Who founded it? When? Don't make the reader go find the page, if you have one. Your story is for telling, not showing. All in all, a great read. Can't wait for Chapter 1 to come out! 'Talk | Stories | ''Bionicle: CCG '''